Finding Joy 2

Often, I was happy. Almost as frequently, I was in pain. Often, when I was in pain, I would bury that feeling as far down as it would go so no one would see and I pretended to be happy. Almost as frequently, when I was happy, I would remember the pain of yesterday and of tomorrow and the happiness began to dim and fade like a drawing on a wall in direct sunlight. For that reason, I cherished and continue to cherish all times of pure happiness and the people who give it to me, which at times includes myself. Pure happiness is driven by inner sunshine and assisted by the sunshines of others, fake happiness is driven by an inner sunshine shaded by looming clouds of swirling darkness, and pain is driven by those very same clouds as they consume the sun, seeming to swallow it whole and intrude on every thought and every action. In these times of pure darkness, often, I was alone, and, almost as frequently, I was lonely. In order to move passed this, the feeling of my sunshine being eaten alive, often, I had to be alone, and, for fear of questions; of tears; of transparency; of contagiousness of pain; of the possibility that, of all those that surrounded me, there would be no one to care; of more pain, almost as frequently, I had to be lonely in my darkness. The complete and inherent grayness, both of being alone and of loneliness, would take over eventually, and it was at that moment that my inner sunshine began to fight back, growing and growing until it was able to break through the clouds and bring meaning back to the world and, more specifically, my own existence.

This, of course, the cycle of happiness, fake happiness, and pain overshadowed by utter aloneness and loneliness, is how things used to be. Now, it seems, there is more hope, more strength, more light, more sunshine, and, of course, more love. Because, when you really look at the big picture, isn’t life always so much more than the darkness it brings? There is a great deal of pain to be had in life, that much is true, but there is also beauty and joy and the utter majesty of the world and its inhabitants to experience and to cherish every single day. Often, I am happy, almost as frequently, I am in pain, but always, I am finding joy.


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