Grey

*This is just a little something I wrote about a year ago that I found and wanted to put on here:)*

Sometimes, all I see is grey. I see a grey past, a grey present, and an infinitely grey future. Sometimes, that grey fades to a lusterless white as life ceases to make any sense. Other times, it darkens to a menacing black as I lose sight of everything and see only that darkness which seems to consume my every thought. In these times of painful neutrality, all I want is the vibrance of color. I want to see the luscious green of the land and striking blue of the sky in the summer. I want to see the fiery yellows, oranges and reds that grace the world in the fall. I want to see the pale blue and weak yellow of the winter sky and sun. I want to see the fresh greens and blooming pinks of the spring. I want to see the changing colors of every sunrise and sunset. Sometimes, I see all of these colors and I feel nothing; I feel none of the magic that they can sometimes elicit, none of the emotions they can sometimes inspire; I feel nothing. It’s as if I’m stuck in a world of black, white, and every shade in between; I’m stuck in a world where I see beauty and I feel nothing.

Time Stops

The moments when you find yourself forgetting to breathe,

the moments when you find yourself unable to think, and

the moments when you leave all sense of practicality behind;

these are the moments when time ceases to exist.

 

To you, in these glorious moments and all of their euphoric grace,

time stops.

 

The moments when the emotion overwhelms you,

the moments when the heat consumes you, and

the moments when the sound of your heart beating faster and faster is all you can hear;

these are the moments when time ceases to exist.

 

To you, in these wonderful moments of clarity and of contradictory confusion,

time stops.

 

The moments of blissful peace that you will always cherish,

the moments of safety, of certainty, of feeling at home, and

the moments of such pure, absolute and irrevocable love;

these are the moments when time ceases to exist.

 

To you, in these awe-inspiring moments of the deepest and most powerful emotion on earth,

time stops,

 

and your beautiful sunshine never stops shining.

Finding Joy 2

Often, I was happy. Almost as frequently, I was in pain. Often, when I was in pain, I would bury that feeling as far down as it would go so no one would see and I pretended to be happy. Almost as frequently, when I was happy, I would remember the pain of yesterday and of tomorrow and the happiness began to dim and fade like a drawing on a wall in direct sunlight. For that reason, I cherished and continue to cherish all times of pure happiness and the people who give it to me, which at times includes myself. Pure happiness is driven by inner sunshine and assisted by the sunshines of others, fake happiness is driven by an inner sunshine shaded by looming clouds of swirling darkness, and pain is driven by those very same clouds as they consume the sun, seeming to swallow it whole and intrude on every thought and every action. In these times of pure darkness, often, I was alone, and, almost as frequently, I was lonely. In order to move passed this, the feeling of my sunshine being eaten alive, often, I had to be alone, and, for fear of questions; of tears; of transparency; of contagiousness of pain; of the possibility that, of all those that surrounded me, there would be no one to care; of more pain, almost as frequently, I had to be lonely in my darkness. The complete and inherent grayness, both of being alone and of loneliness, would take over eventually, and it was at that moment that my inner sunshine began to fight back, growing and growing until it was able to break through the clouds and bring meaning back to the world and, more specifically, my own existence.

This, of course, the cycle of happiness, fake happiness, and pain overshadowed by utter aloneness and loneliness, is how things used to be. Now, it seems, there is more hope, more strength, more light, more sunshine, and, of course, more love. Because, when you really look at the big picture, isn’t life always so much more than the darkness it brings? There is a great deal of pain to be had in life, that much is true, but there is also beauty and joy and the utter majesty of the world and its inhabitants to experience and to cherish every single day. Often, I am happy, almost as frequently, I am in pain, but always, I am finding joy.