Today, I came to the realization that I’ve been putting off for several months which is that my self diagnosed “writer’s block” is actually just intense perfectionism. The thing that’s strange, though, is that this obsessive perfectionism applies to absolutely nothing else in my life but this. My room is a mess for probably a solid 11 months out of every 12, I couldn’t care less if anything is ever folded correctly, I do what I can with my hair and general appearance every day but I certainly don’t obsess about it, I generally do the bare minimum for school work (although my bare minimum is probably a little higher than some people’s because the grade scale I was raised on was A: average B: bad C: crappy D: dumb and F: a great many expletives that don’t need to be written out; I still would never obsess over whether or not any of it is perfect), and I pretty much am just a generally messy and disorganized person if I’m being perfectly honest with myself here.
So why on earth is it that the one thing that’s even remotely inconvenienced by perfectionism is what my brain overanalyzes? To be a successful writer, I need to be able to create a first draft of whatever it is I happen to be working on with no over analysis and no second guessing. Everything I’ve ever heard about writing from writers is that, counterintuitive as it sounds, writing comes first and thinking comes later. That idea has been reinforced in my own writing time and again as the best things I’ve ever written have come with this method; the inspiration hits, I write it all down or type it all out, and then I go back and edit it. The problem is that no matter what form of personal writing I’m doing, getting into a mental space where I can follow that method is like pulling teeth for me. Even now as I write this I can feel myself overanalyzing every little thing and wondering if it sounds right or if it makes sense or if anyone will get it or care or if anyone even reads this silly blog and on and on and on and writing out a sentence and deleting it and rewording phrases and then just highlighting the whole thing and thinking about deleting that and starting over and on and on and on and–
Breathe. Deep breaths. Recover from that run on sentence. Continue.
The point is, that’s what my brain does almost every time I sit down to write something for the blog or that’s just a piece of creative writing in general, and it’s exhausting. I think that for some reason I second guess everything because a part of me is always mindful of what anyone reading may think. So, my new years resolution is to get rid of that block, get rid of that mentality of “What will people think of this?” and let in a new mentality that brings more positive energy into my writing.
Basically, if you’ve made it this far in my monologue, I apparently made you read all of that just to tell you I don’t care what you, as a reader of my writing, think of my writing. In all seriousness, I do care to an extent and I do hope you like what I write here, I just don’t want to worry or obsess about it because that’s really no way to live. Anyway, thank you for reading no matter your opinion and happy new year.